Love is...

I said that after my post about sex, I would write one about love. So here it is. Love is an interesting subject for me because I don't love in a healthy way. I do not fall in love easily, but when I decide that I am going to let someone in, I fall fast and hard. That tends to get me into trouble.

My first serious boyfriend, The Red Head, is an amazing guy. Unfortunately, I met him right before I started having anxiety and depression issues and right before he got depressed. We enabled each other to be depressed and wallow in our own self pity. We were "together" for most of either grade and about half of our freshmen year. At the begining of that school year he lost it and was hospitalized and he never came back to my school. He was my first really love.

The next one, Joker, I met the summer after freshmen year and was with him until the December after I graduated, so 2 and a half years. He was 4 years older than me and had a lot of his own issues. As our relationship progressed, he became increasingly abusive. We used to get into fist fights on a weekly basis, its amazing that I never really had any marks from him. I thought I loved him because he told me that he loved me. I was 15 and really didn't know that the relationship was extremely unhealthy until it was too late and I felt like I couldn't leave because he had a lot of power over me.

There is some overlap between guys at this point. I graduated my junior year and was having an affair of sorts with Baby Daddy that entire year. We started dating about 4 months after Joker and I finally split. The unfortunate part of that is that we were just glorified fuck buddies until I got pregnant. Then we decided we had to make it work. It never did work and we fought all the time. While I was pregnant I wold go over there almost everyday and would almost always leave crying. He would say things that he knew would upset me and toy with my emotions. Finally one day after not doing the shit I needed him to do, we got in a fight and he got in my face. That was my breaking point. I can't be with someone willing to scare me like that.

So here we are now. Psycho Knight was one of Joker's friends and I ended up keeping him in the break up. Shortly after I left Joker I found my way into PK's bed and he was my lover for a few months before I started dating Baby Daddy. He quickly became my male best friend and we all knew that I would be with him if or when BD and I broke up. Now we are in "an open relationship" while I continue to get my shit together and get back into the right head space.

So what about love? Love is terribly complicated for me. I love a lot of people; I really don't have friends, I have family that is not blood. If I love someone I don't let go of them if I can avoid it.

I have loved a lot of people in an emotional and physical way, but I have only been "in love" a few times and all of those times have gotten me hurt in more ways than one. I am still very close with most of my former and current sexual partners and I would even go on to say that many of them I truly do love. There are some that are just people that I happened to sleep with.

I'm still learning what a healthy loving relationship involves. I know that it will never be prefect, but I think that I should want to hug and kiss someone more than I want to scream and yell at them. I'm getting there.

Swt