I haven't slept alone since the night before I had Peanut; we were co-sleepers and it was the most perfect sleep situation I could have ever imagined for our family. It was perfect until I left Baby Daddy. I had no qualms about sleeping with BD and Peanut, it was nice and safe and warm. When I left him that changed because it meant that I was the only one in the bed for Peanut to snuggle with and keep him warm. I knew that we would probably be switching him over to his bed in the near future.
When I started seeing Psycho Knight again I knew that it was time for Peanut to be able to sleep on his own. I feel bad making PK share his bed with me and the baby, but on a much more selfish level, I want to snuggle with PK and actually be able to sleep with and spend time with him alone in the bed. Co-sleeping and a sex life can work, but I think it can pretty much only work if you are sleeping with the child's father. I need to be able to put Peanut in his bed in his room so that I can get some. I also feel bad that BD can't sleep with Peanut and this other guy would be, I think that is totally unfair.
Last week I started Peanut off sleeping in his own bed and the first night he only woke up twice and went back to sleep fairly easily. I have been sleeping in the same room as him on the daybed. Tonight I think I am going to go back to sleeping in my bed. I know that the minute he wakes up I will be awake and I know that being in my own room and my own bed won't change that. It will be hard transiting my thoughts about that bed because for the last 7 months I have referred to it as "our" bed, but now it is all mine again. Peanut will always be welcome in my bed and my arms though.
Swt
Sunday, December 19, 2010
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
"Love Life" Has a Whole New Meaning
Usually when I talk about you "love life" I am referring actually to your sex life. As I have said before, they are different. But the term "love life" is taking on a whole new meaning for me.
Since I started "dating" Psycho Knight my definition of love has been flipped all around and turned inside out. I have loved him as my best friend for years but always kept him pushed back a little bit so that I couldn't fall for him. I hate falling in love and it scares me, but this time is different; this time I want to fall for him and I get excited every time I notice myself getting in deeper with him.
My "love life" now involves wanting to spend all of my time with PK and missing him terribly when I can't be with him. He works until at least 9 every night so I only get to really see him on his days off so it's kind of hard. I have never been with someone that I wanted to spend every waking moment with. It hurts so bad every time I have to leave him and go back home; I'm starting to run out of reasons why I shouldn't move in with him.
I'm holding off for now because I need to get everything settled with Baby Daddy and get myself squared away, but as soon as I fulfill my list of requirements, I am so there!
Our relationship is an open one and I like it that way for now but I know that as we progress and I get more comfortable commiting myself to him that the status will change.
Love you guys.
Swt
Since I started "dating" Psycho Knight my definition of love has been flipped all around and turned inside out. I have loved him as my best friend for years but always kept him pushed back a little bit so that I couldn't fall for him. I hate falling in love and it scares me, but this time is different; this time I want to fall for him and I get excited every time I notice myself getting in deeper with him.
My "love life" now involves wanting to spend all of my time with PK and missing him terribly when I can't be with him. He works until at least 9 every night so I only get to really see him on his days off so it's kind of hard. I have never been with someone that I wanted to spend every waking moment with. It hurts so bad every time I have to leave him and go back home; I'm starting to run out of reasons why I shouldn't move in with him.
I'm holding off for now because I need to get everything settled with Baby Daddy and get myself squared away, but as soon as I fulfill my list of requirements, I am so there!
Our relationship is an open one and I like it that way for now but I know that as we progress and I get more comfortable commiting myself to him that the status will change.
Love you guys.
Swt
Sunday, December 12, 2010
Love is...
I said that after my post about sex, I would write one about love. So here it is. Love is an interesting subject for me because I don't love in a healthy way. I do not fall in love easily, but when I decide that I am going to let someone in, I fall fast and hard. That tends to get me into trouble.
My first serious boyfriend, The Red Head, is an amazing guy. Unfortunately, I met him right before I started having anxiety and depression issues and right before he got depressed. We enabled each other to be depressed and wallow in our own self pity. We were "together" for most of either grade and about half of our freshmen year. At the begining of that school year he lost it and was hospitalized and he never came back to my school. He was my first really love.
The next one, Joker, I met the summer after freshmen year and was with him until the December after I graduated, so 2 and a half years. He was 4 years older than me and had a lot of his own issues. As our relationship progressed, he became increasingly abusive. We used to get into fist fights on a weekly basis, its amazing that I never really had any marks from him. I thought I loved him because he told me that he loved me. I was 15 and really didn't know that the relationship was extremely unhealthy until it was too late and I felt like I couldn't leave because he had a lot of power over me.
There is some overlap between guys at this point. I graduated my junior year and was having an affair of sorts with Baby Daddy that entire year. We started dating about 4 months after Joker and I finally split. The unfortunate part of that is that we were just glorified fuck buddies until I got pregnant. Then we decided we had to make it work. It never did work and we fought all the time. While I was pregnant I wold go over there almost everyday and would almost always leave crying. He would say things that he knew would upset me and toy with my emotions. Finally one day after not doing the shit I needed him to do, we got in a fight and he got in my face. That was my breaking point. I can't be with someone willing to scare me like that.
So here we are now. Psycho Knight was one of Joker's friends and I ended up keeping him in the break up. Shortly after I left Joker I found my way into PK's bed and he was my lover for a few months before I started dating Baby Daddy. He quickly became my male best friend and we all knew that I would be with him if or when BD and I broke up. Now we are in "an open relationship" while I continue to get my shit together and get back into the right head space.
So what about love? Love is terribly complicated for me. I love a lot of people; I really don't have friends, I have family that is not blood. If I love someone I don't let go of them if I can avoid it.
I have loved a lot of people in an emotional and physical way, but I have only been "in love" a few times and all of those times have gotten me hurt in more ways than one. I am still very close with most of my former and current sexual partners and I would even go on to say that many of them I truly do love. There are some that are just people that I happened to sleep with.
I'm still learning what a healthy loving relationship involves. I know that it will never be prefect, but I think that I should want to hug and kiss someone more than I want to scream and yell at them. I'm getting there.
Swt
My first serious boyfriend, The Red Head, is an amazing guy. Unfortunately, I met him right before I started having anxiety and depression issues and right before he got depressed. We enabled each other to be depressed and wallow in our own self pity. We were "together" for most of either grade and about half of our freshmen year. At the begining of that school year he lost it and was hospitalized and he never came back to my school. He was my first really love.
The next one, Joker, I met the summer after freshmen year and was with him until the December after I graduated, so 2 and a half years. He was 4 years older than me and had a lot of his own issues. As our relationship progressed, he became increasingly abusive. We used to get into fist fights on a weekly basis, its amazing that I never really had any marks from him. I thought I loved him because he told me that he loved me. I was 15 and really didn't know that the relationship was extremely unhealthy until it was too late and I felt like I couldn't leave because he had a lot of power over me.
There is some overlap between guys at this point. I graduated my junior year and was having an affair of sorts with Baby Daddy that entire year. We started dating about 4 months after Joker and I finally split. The unfortunate part of that is that we were just glorified fuck buddies until I got pregnant. Then we decided we had to make it work. It never did work and we fought all the time. While I was pregnant I wold go over there almost everyday and would almost always leave crying. He would say things that he knew would upset me and toy with my emotions. Finally one day after not doing the shit I needed him to do, we got in a fight and he got in my face. That was my breaking point. I can't be with someone willing to scare me like that.
So here we are now. Psycho Knight was one of Joker's friends and I ended up keeping him in the break up. Shortly after I left Joker I found my way into PK's bed and he was my lover for a few months before I started dating Baby Daddy. He quickly became my male best friend and we all knew that I would be with him if or when BD and I broke up. Now we are in "an open relationship" while I continue to get my shit together and get back into the right head space.
So what about love? Love is terribly complicated for me. I love a lot of people; I really don't have friends, I have family that is not blood. If I love someone I don't let go of them if I can avoid it.
I have loved a lot of people in an emotional and physical way, but I have only been "in love" a few times and all of those times have gotten me hurt in more ways than one. I am still very close with most of my former and current sexual partners and I would even go on to say that many of them I truly do love. There are some that are just people that I happened to sleep with.
I'm still learning what a healthy loving relationship involves. I know that it will never be prefect, but I think that I should want to hug and kiss someone more than I want to scream and yell at them. I'm getting there.
Swt
Monday, December 6, 2010
The Difference Between Love and Sex
This will probably come up later on, so I thought that maybe it would be a good idea to share my views on love and sex. I will put the disclaimer here, I am going to talk about sex, so if you don't want to know, please stop reading here and close your browser.
I do not personally believe that love and sex go together. For all intensive purposes, I do not believe that emotion and sex go together. I do not have to care about or even like a person to want to have sex with them; it is just another activity. I do not believe that when you have sex you are giving part of yourself to someone. There are times when you are giving yourself, but for me most of the time I am not, I'm just getting off. I will talk more later about giving yourself.
If I find someone attractive and I want to sleep with them it has nothing to do with my emotion connection with them; I have slept with people I despise and had some of the best sex. What does this have to do with being a mother, since that is what this blog is mostly about? I have a philosophy about sex and Peanut. If I am going to sleep with someone that I am not in an emotional relationship with, the baby is not there. Or at the very least is asleep in a different room. I do not want to skew his ideas about what healthy relationships and sex lives look like. Mine got distorted when I was a young teenager and started dating older guys. I keep my sex life away from him.
I have a philosophy about the people that I sleep with; if I just want to fuck and not go anywhere else but that, I will not do it if I don't think that the other person can has sex with me without getting attached. Virgins are always out of the picture, I cant take responsibility for them. Most of my partners are people that I still have relationships with to this day, that is because it is fairly rare that I find someone that is on the same page as I am. A few times I have slept with a former lover that I no longer had any sore of feelings for and that almost always ends up in a huge mess. I do have emotional attachments to most of my partners and former partners, but they are not a result of sex and sex was not a result of the relationships.
So what about making love? That is an entirely different thing. If you are making love you do have a very strong emotional attachment to your partner. That is not to say that you are in love with the person, but you probably love the person you are making love with. I have only made love a few times.
Then there is one more distinction: sex as magic. Sex is one of the single most effective ways to raise energy. Now, since I have written this I should probably cover religion really fast. I consider myself a Pagan, so that may or may not come up again. Back to magic. Sex is very powerful, but do not try to do sex magic if both partners are not on the same page. And both should have at least some experience with what you are trying to do. Things can quickly go badly if you are not careful.
I am thinking that I might write my next post about love, because it is a very important thing also. Thanks for reading guys.
Swt
I do not personally believe that love and sex go together. For all intensive purposes, I do not believe that emotion and sex go together. I do not have to care about or even like a person to want to have sex with them; it is just another activity. I do not believe that when you have sex you are giving part of yourself to someone. There are times when you are giving yourself, but for me most of the time I am not, I'm just getting off. I will talk more later about giving yourself.
If I find someone attractive and I want to sleep with them it has nothing to do with my emotion connection with them; I have slept with people I despise and had some of the best sex. What does this have to do with being a mother, since that is what this blog is mostly about? I have a philosophy about sex and Peanut. If I am going to sleep with someone that I am not in an emotional relationship with, the baby is not there. Or at the very least is asleep in a different room. I do not want to skew his ideas about what healthy relationships and sex lives look like. Mine got distorted when I was a young teenager and started dating older guys. I keep my sex life away from him.
I have a philosophy about the people that I sleep with; if I just want to fuck and not go anywhere else but that, I will not do it if I don't think that the other person can has sex with me without getting attached. Virgins are always out of the picture, I cant take responsibility for them. Most of my partners are people that I still have relationships with to this day, that is because it is fairly rare that I find someone that is on the same page as I am. A few times I have slept with a former lover that I no longer had any sore of feelings for and that almost always ends up in a huge mess. I do have emotional attachments to most of my partners and former partners, but they are not a result of sex and sex was not a result of the relationships.
So what about making love? That is an entirely different thing. If you are making love you do have a very strong emotional attachment to your partner. That is not to say that you are in love with the person, but you probably love the person you are making love with. I have only made love a few times.
Then there is one more distinction: sex as magic. Sex is one of the single most effective ways to raise energy. Now, since I have written this I should probably cover religion really fast. I consider myself a Pagan, so that may or may not come up again. Back to magic. Sex is very powerful, but do not try to do sex magic if both partners are not on the same page. And both should have at least some experience with what you are trying to do. Things can quickly go badly if you are not careful.
I am thinking that I might write my next post about love, because it is a very important thing also. Thanks for reading guys.
Swt
Feels Like I'm Second Best
There is some back sotry that I have to go through to get to what is going on right now. Psycho Knight was in love with a mutual friend and she lived with him for awhile. She did not return the love and broke his heart. She joined the army and left.
About a week ago PK moved and with him when the last remaiinders oof her stuff. Well he found it yesterday. The other part of the back story is that we are steadily building a relationship. He calls me baby, I call him babe. We are dating and its getting serious.
With him finding her old stuff he obviously went through it and it brought up some old emotions in him and now he is hurt again. I was there to help him pick up the pieces when she left and I thought he was pretty well over her. But now he is heart broken at least for the moment.
He is my best friend and I know this is the risk I take by dating him, but I feel like second best now. Like if he cant have her he'll settle for me. As his best friend I don't want him to settle for anyone, as the person he is dating I don't want to be settled for, and as his lover I don't want to worry that he is thinking about someone else.
I'm not sure how to feel about this or if I should be posting this. But he doesn't have Internet for the time being so by the time he sees this the feeling will have probably passed.
<3 Swt
About a week ago PK moved and with him when the last remaiinders oof her stuff. Well he found it yesterday. The other part of the back story is that we are steadily building a relationship. He calls me baby, I call him babe. We are dating and its getting serious.
With him finding her old stuff he obviously went through it and it brought up some old emotions in him and now he is hurt again. I was there to help him pick up the pieces when she left and I thought he was pretty well over her. But now he is heart broken at least for the moment.
He is my best friend and I know this is the risk I take by dating him, but I feel like second best now. Like if he cant have her he'll settle for me. As his best friend I don't want him to settle for anyone, as the person he is dating I don't want to be settled for, and as his lover I don't want to worry that he is thinking about someone else.
I'm not sure how to feel about this or if I should be posting this. But he doesn't have Internet for the time being so by the time he sees this the feeling will have probably passed.
<3 Swt
Sunday, December 5, 2010
Ah, That New Blog Smell
You may know me from my first blog, 18 and Knocked Up. For those of you that don't, I am Swt or Sarah. I am 19 and the mother of a beautiful 7 month old that we will call Peanut. His father, Baby Daddy (B.D.) and I are no longer together and I am dating.
This circumstance is not that unusual, but I'm also not your usual teen mom. I am in college and training to become a La Leche League (LLL) leader. I practice attachment parenting and I love it. But sometimes life is hard and being a mom sucks. And sometimes I have things to say that don't revolve around being a mom. That is what this blog is for. I want to be able to write about my sex life, about how being a mom sucks so bad that I could scream sometimes, about all the weird challenges I face. I can't do that on my other blog because a lot of people I know irl read my blog and I don't want them to know about everything. I'm not hiding this blog, but I'm not telling them about it either.
So now I need to introduce the characters in the story of my life.
Peanut - My son.
Baby Daddy (BD) - My son's father. We were together for 3 months when I got pregnant and we are so not right for each other.
Mom and Dad - My parents that I live with.
Psycho Knight (PK) - My male best friend and the guy I am "dating" we are not together yet, but I'm sure we will be soon.
Bestie - My female best friend of like 15 years.
Jules - A girl that is like my little sister.
Meg - A new friend from my math class that is quickly becoming a best friend.
TK - A friend from high school that I have had a physical relationship with off an on since my freshmen year.
Joker - My psychotic and abusive ex.
Arkansas - A fling that I am still flinging with.
Ok, that's it for now. As more people come up I will introduce them.
Thanks for reading guys.
<3 Swt
This circumstance is not that unusual, but I'm also not your usual teen mom. I am in college and training to become a La Leche League (LLL) leader. I practice attachment parenting and I love it. But sometimes life is hard and being a mom sucks. And sometimes I have things to say that don't revolve around being a mom. That is what this blog is for. I want to be able to write about my sex life, about how being a mom sucks so bad that I could scream sometimes, about all the weird challenges I face. I can't do that on my other blog because a lot of people I know irl read my blog and I don't want them to know about everything. I'm not hiding this blog, but I'm not telling them about it either.
So now I need to introduce the characters in the story of my life.
Peanut - My son.
Baby Daddy (BD) - My son's father. We were together for 3 months when I got pregnant and we are so not right for each other.
Mom and Dad - My parents that I live with.
Psycho Knight (PK) - My male best friend and the guy I am "dating" we are not together yet, but I'm sure we will be soon.
Bestie - My female best friend of like 15 years.
Jules - A girl that is like my little sister.
Meg - A new friend from my math class that is quickly becoming a best friend.
TK - A friend from high school that I have had a physical relationship with off an on since my freshmen year.
Joker - My psychotic and abusive ex.
Arkansas - A fling that I am still flinging with.
Ok, that's it for now. As more people come up I will introduce them.
Thanks for reading guys.
<3 Swt
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